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11. Acting like you’re a highly wanted man

Kirstie Taylor

Kirstie Taylor
Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

As one woman, I can’t speak for all women. But as a dating writer who lives and breathes dating with people across the internet (along with this viral Reddit thread from over 6,000 women), I can speak for many women.

There’s this odd narrative out there that a six-pack, handsome face, and a fat stack of Benjamins in your wallet will attract a woman. And sure, you might attract someone who only cares about those things, but you won’t attract someone you want to be in a relationship with.

In fact, some of the above — especially mixed with a big ego — are at the top of the list of turn-offs for me and all the women closest to me. But until a woman actually points this out, I don’t blame you for thinking otherwise.

While this article isn’t meant for you to pretend to be someone you’re not, it’s an opportunity for you to question your behaviors and make changes wherever necessary.

Because dating is hard enough, you don’t want to be your own biggest obstacle.

  1. Being too into yourself. Confidence is great, but please don’t confuse that with a big ego. You don’t have to boast about yourself for us to like you. Just be genuine, tell us about your passions, and don’t forget to be interested in what we have to say (unless you’re not, in which case, why are you dating?)
  2. Bad hygiene. When you meet someone new, first impressions are everything. If you smell bad or look like you slept in the clothes you’re wearing, it’s a major turn-off. That’s not superficial. It’s simply sanitary.
  3. Needing always to be right. You won’t always be right. The odds aren’t on your side. Disrespecting our views along your quest for an ego boost will leave us asking for the bill.
  4. Not being able to laugh at yourself. A charming quality in a guy is humility. No one is perfect, and if you can’t admit when you mess-up and learn to move past it, the relationship will feel too fragile.
  5. Trying to sleep with someone after a mediocre date. I’d like to think that men know when there’s a great connection and when there isn’t. Yet, plenty of men continue to assume that a first date will lead to spending the night together. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, your best bet is to wait for anything sexual to happen and get to know the woman first.
  6. You’re not working on yourself. We know you follow Gary Vee and the likes for hustling hard to make money. You can put in the effort to recognizing your childhood traumas and not letting them affect the people in your life.
  7. Having too high of expectations from your partner. If you need a woman who always wears makeup, works out four times a week, and dresses in heels, please be upfront. It will save the woman you’re on a date with a night wasted with someone whose expectations are superficial.
  8. Not being loyal to your friends. I’ve been with men who would sabotage their friendships to get ahead in their careers. I’d be kidding myself not to assume they’d do the same to me if they had the chance.
  9. The assumption that we need to be saved. The trope of prince-charming coming in to save the princess might’ve made for great Disney movies, but this is 2020. We don’t need you to save us because we’re not failing. In fact, we’re thriving.
  10. Treating your mother badly. It’s one thing not to have a relationship with your mom, but it’s a whole other thing to have a relationship but treat her like she’s a burden you never asked for. Women know that how a man treats his mom is usually indicative of how they treat women altogether.
  11. Acting like you’re a highly wanted man. No woman is going to hear that and think, “oh wow, I need to get him before someone else does!” It’ll either offend someone with high self-esteem or make your date feel insecure. Neither of those is a good outcome for you.
  12. Waiting days to text back. Playing games is a thing of the past. Many women are realizing that they’re not interested in someone who doesn’t have reliable communication and shows they’re interested.
  13. Talking about your ex (a lot). If they naturally come up in the conversation, great. But if you’re talking too much about them, your date will start to wonder if you’re still hung up on your ex. If you are, that’s OK, but maybe you’re not ready to date yet.
  14. Following a bunch of bikini models on Instagram. This is a touchy topic, so let me clarify: It’s not that we’re insecure about our own bodies compared to the women you follow. Hell, most of us don’t even care about that women’s choice of career path. What we care about is respect.
  15. Constantly being negative. No one appreciates a Negative Ned. A relationship is supposed to be an addition to your life that lifts you up. Your date won’t want to keep seeing you if you’re always bringing the vibe down.
  16. Telling us how you’re a “nice guy.” If you have to say you’re a “nice guy,” you’re probably not a nice guy. By now, women know that a man who gets defensive about being nice is someone who’s hiding something.
  17. Not respecting our boundaries. When we say that your jokes are offensive or we don’t want to go home with you, and you persist with your ways, it makes women feel unsafe. Boundaries are the only way we maintain safety when meeting someone new. Please respect them.
  18. Aggressive masculinity. You want to fight the bartender because he looked at me in a flirty way? Why is that? Because it’s not going to impress a woman. If anything, it’s going to scare her away.
  19. Love-bombing. Putting on a front that you’re a sweet person when you’re actually critical and short-tempered isn’t doing either of you a favor. Either work on yourself or find a person who will put up with that from the get-go.
  20. Calling us the c-word (or any woman for that matter). I’m not referring to c*nt because that one is pretty obvious. But calling a woman crazy (that includes your ex) won’t go over well for you.
  21. Mansplaining. I know it’s shocking, but women can understand things without you talking slowly or explaining the most basic concepts. In fact, we probably don’t need you to explain because we already understand how football and the stock market work.
  22. Feeling entitled. Just because you paid for dinner doesn’t mean you are entitled to sex, a kiss, or anything—hard stop.
  23. Making jokes at our expense. You might think it’s light-hearted, but you can usually tell by a woman’s reaction if she was offended. If so, apologize and move on.
  24. Interrupting. It’s a rude habit that comes off like you don’t care. Interrupting someone isn’t a great communication skill in any aspect of life, but especially dating.
  25. Sending unsolicited d*ck pics. I’ve written about this before, and somehow, men still think women want them, so here are cold, hard statistics. 75% of women don’t want them.

This list isn’t comprehensive, and some women are exceptions. They’re simply guides to go off of if your goal is to find a thriving relationship.

To sum things up, your best bet is to treat your dates well, don’t expect a ton from them, be as interested in them as you are in yourself, and always show respect. It’s not that complicated, and hopefully, having things listed out for you will lead you to a better dating life.

There is a difference between a loser and a keeper Glenna Gill I refer to the night I found out my first husband cheated on me as the moment my life broke in half. For eighteen years, I built a happy life with an otherwise good man until he burned it all to the ground. Our divorce kicked off a downward spiral in my world for the next decade as I tried to replace the love and family he shared with me with a series of horrible decisions.

Up to that point, I was as naive as they come, believing we would always be married and nothing would ever change. The fact that he dumped me for the receptionist in his office who had pink hair and tattoos was shocking in its silliness, yet I felt like less of a person because of it. Surely nobody would ever love me again for, as my husband said, I was a joyless person who had no life and was worthless. Why wouldn’t I believe what he told me? For a large portion of my life, I trusted in every word he said and had great faith in him.

 

“You know how I know you would never cheat on me?” I once asked him in better days. “How?” “Because you’re too honest and trustworthy. You wouldn’t be able to live with yourself.” That shows how much I knew. I believed a man as solid as he was would never break a vow, especially with two small children involved. He was completely shocked when I filed for divorce after he wouldn’t stop seeing the receptionist. “Sometimes people get back together,” he complained.

It was too late. In my eyes, the marriage was over the night he confessed, and it was clearly over for him even before that. Reconciliation would have been like putting toothpaste back in a tube. It just didn’t fit anymore. My father-in-law tried to tell me that cheating was no big deal and “acceptable these days,” but I knew better. The hardest part was letting go of the large family I’d been part of for years, the only family I really ever knew. They were mad at him at first, but it wasn’t long before he went back to being the saint he’d always been to them, even with his mistress sitting in my chair at their dinner table. I completely understood their need to rewrite history and make me the bad guy. After all, he was their blood and I was not. He was the son and brother they would have as a family member for the rest of their lives, and they certainly couldn’t spend it being mad at him. Still, even more than losing my husband, losing his family hurt ten times worse. I’m remarried years later to my third husband. The second one was a cheater as well, but I expected it from him and wasn’t shocked. It seemed minor compared to the other reasons I left him, and it was a marriage best forgotten. My current husband is truly the greatest love of my life. I knew it from the second I met him. He taught me what real love was, not just lust or loneliness or desperation. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had. Even so, given the right circumstances, it’s possible that he might cheat on me one day. I don’t think anyone is completely immune. Not to say that I think he’s that type of person at all. He is very honorable and knows how much my first marriage hurt me. I don’t believe he would ever cause me intentional suffering. That’s the difference between men who cheat and men who don’t. It’s one thing to say that you’re a moral, upstanding person, but it’s another thing entirely to act like one. Living one’s truth shows great integrity. When somebody lives that way, they never have to tell people who they are because it’s already evident. The integrity my husband shows every day is something he doesn’t have to brag about. He’s a great man, but he is humble in his greatness, which I think shows an awesome strength. Nobody is perfect. I definitely have made my share of mistakes over the years, but they’ve all been lessons in one way or another. I know today that I’m not joyless and have plenty of life. I’m not something that another person says I am, even if I’m married to them. Once I learned that, it gave more weight to all my relationships. I came to my current husband a stronger woman, and he has helped bring that out in me even more over the years. He lets me be who I am, and I do the same for him. It’s incredibly hard to live with our own lies about ourselves. That’s true for people who think too highly of themselves and people who have terrible self-esteem. I’m very proud of my husband for his honesty and the ability to keep his heart pure in every situation. When we were first together, I remember I kept asking if he was mad at me. Of course, I’d done nothing to make him mad. It was my own paranoia that I’d be blindsided because I failed to “read” him correctly. I constantly worried that he would cheat on me, too, until I realized I really had no control over whether he did or didn’t. I’m grateful that my story has a happy ending. I didn’t think I’d ever have anyone who truly loved me for exactly who I already was, but I’m realistic about that love. It’s not something I need to hoard but something to cherish. My husband is not my property and makes his own decisions, and I hope that he’ll choose me every day as the woman he wants to spend his life with. That’s more than I could ever ask for.

Set during Italy’s 1935 invasion of Ethiopia, this absorbing novel spotlights the African women who went to war

Subtly unpredictable narrative … Maaza Mengiste. Subtly unpredictable narrative … Maaza Mengiste.

The eponymous king in Maaza Mengiste’s second novel does not feature until a good halfway through the narrative, and then in appropriately shadowy fashion. He is Minim, a “soft-spoken man with the strange name that means Nothing”, one of those who has answered the Ethiopian emperor Haile Selassie’s call to arms provoked by the Italian invasion of the country in 1935.

 

But Minim has an unexpectedly propitious quality; a close resemblance to Selassie, now in exile in Bath, that can be used to reinvigorate popular confidence that the European colonialists can be defeated. Dressed in a makeshift uniform and sitting on horseback with a red umbrella across his saddle, Minim has only to appear in the hills so recently dominated by Italian troops to strengthen his subjects. As he is instructed by the comrade who has helped to hatch the plan: “To be in the presence of our emperor is to stand before the sun. You must respect his power to give you life and burn you alive.” Advertisement

A different novel might put this curious interlude at its heart; fiction as written by a popular historian such as, say, Ben Macintyre. But in Mengiste’s story – which draws on her own family history, with a grandfather who fought against the Italians – shadows and echoes abound and multiply, ensuring that although its participants are faced with clear and present danger, they continue to be intimately bound to the generations and individuals that have gone before them.

When the book begins, we imagine that its arena might be small, and confined. We are in a compound, in which tensions seethe between Hirut, an orphaned young woman who has recently joined the household as a sort of maid of all work, and her mistress, Aster. Hirut’s arrival has been effected by Aster’s husband, Kidane, an old friend of Hirut’s parents; Aster is both suspicious of their past connection and grieving deeply for the child she and Kidane have lost. Initially, the reader’s sympathies seem clearly directed: towards the vulnerable Hirut and protective Kidane, and away from the capricious and occasionally malicious Aster. Their battles, worked out in a series of claustrophobic rooms, including the minute bedroom that Hirut shares with a cook and the more luxurious quarters given to the elegant Aster, are painful and without prospect of resolution.

But circumstances change, and rapidly. In Eritrea and Somalia, Italian commanders are mobilising their forces to reprise their attempts to control Ethiopia, first thwarted in the 1890s; now, under Mussolini’s mythologising aegis, they are ready to try once again. For the Ethiopian men, such as Kidane, who gather their own forces to repel the invaders, that first conflict is still present in their minds, and its reprisal presents them with a chance to avenge their fathers’ defeats.

What, though, of the women? In a scene of extreme marital disharmony near the beginning of the book, Aster makes clear her refusal to wait at home for her husband’s return. Subsequently she dons his tunic, jodhpurs and cape and sets off to war in blazingly described fashion, taking Hirut with her. The story that follows – predominantly one of the cat-and-mouse game between Italian and Ethiopian forces – is interspersed with fragments: descriptions of the documentary photographs taken by a young Venetian soldier, Ettore; brief glimpses of Selassie in Bath, as he contemplates the potential destruction of his rule and, by way of comfort, devotes himself to listening to the opera Aida; and the interjections of a Greek-style chorus. Alongside the story of Hirut, Aster and Kidane comes that of the Jewish Ettore, exiled from his family and only latterly learning of his father’s own exile from his native Russia. As he waits for letters from his parents, he is confronted by the news that Jewish soldiers will be required to register their ethnicity, and begins to receive reports of growing antisemitism at home.

It was only later that Mengiste discovered that her great-grandmother had taken her father’s gun and gone to war herself

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It is both a reasonably conventional narrative – there is plenty of action, detailed description and a focus spread between the principal characters – and a subtly unpredictable one. History and modernity are juxtaposed in the factual asymmetries of warfare (the Ethiopians must rely on outdated and often malfunctioning weapons and have no way of long-distance communication beyond running messengers). They are also set side by side in the modes of consciousness that all the characters experience. While their instincts for battle, whether attack or defence, seem rooted in the primal, they are constantly having to adjust and update their viewpoints. For the Italians, the building of a great Roman empire must be captured on film; for the Ethiopian resistance, gender lines must be blurred for a greater chance of success.

In her afterword, Mengiste notes that recollections of the war tend to cohere around the heroism of the outnumbered Ethiopian soldiers, “stoic and regal like my grandfather”. It was only much later that she discovered that her great-grandmother had taken her father’s gun and gone to war herself – one of the women whose stories “even today have remained no more than errant lines in faded documents”. Her achievement in The Shadow King is to bring to life those women, and to depict them as dynamic entities, their capabilities, limitations and beliefs evolving under duress in as fully complex a way as those of their male counterparts.

• The Shadow King is published by Canongate (RRP £16.99). To order a copy go to guardianbookshop.com. Free UK p&p on all online orders over £15.

As the coronavirus pandemic’s second wave hit countries around the world, the global airline sector will lose a total of $157 billion this year and next, the IATA said.

The global airline sector will lose a total of $157 billion this year and in 2021, according to the International Air Transport Association (IATA), as shutdowns and measures caused by the second wave of the novel coronavirus pandemic are expected to continue.

In June, the IATA had forecast $100 billion in losses for the two-year period, however, the association expects a $118.5 billion deficit for the aviation sector this year alone, and a further $38.7 billion for 2021.

Despite several announcements over some successful and highly effective Covid-19 vaccine findings around the world, most countries reimposed measures to slow down the spread of the pandemic – the deadly virus has already claimed more than 1.4 million lives around the world.

“The positive impact it will have on the economy and air traffic will not happen massively before mid-2021,” IATA Director General, Alexandre de Juniac, told Reuters.

The IATA estimates passenger numbers will drop to 1.8 billion for this year- they were 4.5 billion in 2019. However, the numbers will recover only partially to 2.8 billion next year, which is quite far from the pre-pandemic period.

Furthermore, passenger revenue for the sector is expected to have plunged 69 percent to $191 billion for 2020.

IATA Chief Economist, Brian Pearce, said: “That’s by far the biggest shock the industry has experienced in the post-World War Two years.”

The main global body for aviation forecasts considerable reopenings of borders by the middle of 2021, thanks to a combination of Covid-19 testing and vaccine deployment.

The IATA re-emphasised its call for state authorities to replace travel-stifling quarantine regimes with widespread testing programmes.

“We are seeing states progressively coming to listen to us,” de Juniac said, citing testing initiatives underway in France, Germany, Italy, Britain, the United States and Singapore.

Some will require vaccination requirements. For example, Australian national carrier Qantas may demand that passengers are vaccinated for long-haul travel. This could not work everywhere, de Juniac said.

“It would prevent people who are refusing (the vaccine) from travelling,” the IATA chief said. “Systematic testing is even more critical to reopen borders than the vaccine.”

While passenger numbers are decreasing, the air cargo revenue will be expected to rise 15 percent to $117.7 billion this year, despite an 11.6 percent decline in volume to 54.2 million tonnes, the IATA said.

Some $173 billion in government aid has left recipients with debts that threaten to jeopardise future investment, it warned, and more bankruptcies are likely.

The average airline now has enough liquidity to survive another 8.5 months, while some have just weeks, Pearce said. “I think we will get consolidation through some airline failures.”

Goal.com

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Football icon Diego Maradona dies at 60 following heart attack

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2 hours ago

Sky Sports

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Diego Maradona: Argentina legend dies aged 60

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FC Barcelona

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Diego Armando Maradona dies

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1 hour ago

Diego Maradona: Argentina legend dies aged 60

Football legend Diego Maradona, one of the greatest players of all time, has died at the age of 60.

The former Argentina attacking midfielder and manager suffered a heart attack at his Buenos Aires home.

He had successful surgery on a brain blood clot earlier in November and was to be treated for alcohol dependency.

Maradona was captain when Argentina won the 1986 World Cup, scoring the famous ‘Hand of God’ goal against England in the quarter-finals.

Argentina and Barcelona forward Lionel Messi paid tribute to Maradona, saying he was “eternal”.

“A very sad day for all Argentines and football,” said Messi. “He leaves us but does not leave, because Diego is eternal.

“I keep all the beautiful moments lived with him and I send my condolences to all his family and friends.”

In a statement on social media, the Argentine Football Association expressed “its deepest sorrow for the death of our legend”, adding: “You will always be in our hearts.”

Declaring three days of national mourning, Alberto Fernandez, the president of Argentina, said: “You took us to the top of the world. You made us immensely happy. You were the greatest of them all.

“Thank you for having existed, Diego. We’re going to miss you all our lives.”

Maradona played for Barcelona and Napoli during his club career, winning two Serie A titles with the Italian side. He started his career with Argentinos Juniors, also playing for Sevilla, and Boca Juniors and Newell’s Old Boys in his homeland.

He scored 34 goals in 91 appearances for Argentina, representing them in four World Cups.

Maradona led his country to the 1990 final in Italy, where they were beaten by West Germany, before captaining them again in the United States in 1994, but was sent home after failing a drugs test for ephedrine.

During the second half of his career, Maradona struggled with cocaine addiction and was banned for 15 months after testing positive for the drug in 1991.

He retired from professional football in 1997, on his 37th birthday, during his second stint at Argentine giants Boca Juniors.

Having briefly managed two sides in Argentina during his playing career, Maradona was appointed head coach of the national team in 2008 and left after the 2010 World Cup, where his side were beaten by Germany in the quarter-finals.

He subsequently managed teams in the United Arab Emirates and Mexico and was in charge of Gimnasia y Esgrima in Argentina’s top flight at the time of his death.

World pays tribute

Brazil legend Pele led tributes to Maradona, writing on Twitter: “What sad news. I lost a great friend and the world lost a legend. There is still much to be said, but for now, may God give strength to family members. One day, I hope we can play ball together in the sky.”

Former England striker and Match of the Day host Gary Lineker, who was part of the England team beaten by Argentina at the 1986 World Cup, said Maradona was “by some distance, the best player of my generation and arguably the greatest of all time”.

Ex-Tottenham and Argentina midfielder Ossie Ardiles said: “Thank dear Dieguito for your friendship, for your football, sublime, without comparison. Simply, the best football player in the history of football. So many enjoyable moments together. Impossible to say which one was the best. RIP my dear friend.”

Juventus and Portugal forward Cristiano Ronaldo said: “Today I bid farewell to a friend and the world bids farewell to an eternal genius. One of the best of all time. An unparalleled magician. He leaves too soon, but leaves a legacy without limits and a void that will never be filled. Rest in peace, ace. You will never be forgotten.”

Boca Juniors, where Maradona enjoyed two spells and finished his career, gave “eternal thanks” to their former player.

Paris St-Germain and Brazil forward Neymar posted a photo of him as a youngster with Maradona, calling the Argentine a “legend of football”.

England captain Harry Kane and forward Marcus Rashford also paid tribute.

Barcelona was the first club outside of Argentina that Maradona played for. He scored 22 goals in 36 appearances between 1982 and 1984.

Another of Maradona’s former clubs, Napoli, paid tribute. He played for the club between 1984 and 1991, making 188 appearances.

‘It was in football he found his peace’ – analysis

South American football writer Tim Vickery

He was an everyman Argentine, who lived out a national fantasy with the way he scored his two goals in that 1986 quarter-final win over England.

Scoring those goals, against that opponent, turned Maradona almost into a deity in the eyes of some of his compatriots – with disastrous consequences. Living the aftermath was not easy.

Without the discipline of football, the second half of his life was a chaotic affair.

But it was in football that he seemed to find his peace. As a fan he would turn up at the stadium of his beloved Boca Juniors, take off his shirt, swirl it around his head and lead the chanting.

For many his spontaneity and fallibility were part of the appeal.

His admirers thrived on the way he would fall down only to get back up again. It humanised a figure whose epic life was as mazy as one of his left-footed dribbles.